I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
