Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize