I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
