hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
