friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Randomize
