I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
