She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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