is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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