I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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