I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
