Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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