hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
