I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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