Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
