i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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