they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
