so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
