If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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