how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
