I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
sarcasm needs its own font
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
