If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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