I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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