Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
