there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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