What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
