I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
