So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
