Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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