Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
