My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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