Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
a search helicopter?!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
