You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
