He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
