omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
