I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize