there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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