I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
