Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
its liver damage thursday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
