I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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