Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
