does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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