Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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