when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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