I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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