he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
