I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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