I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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