Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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