I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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