They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
