a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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