Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
