Screwed.edu
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize