I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
