so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
