a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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