That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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