Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
