Please, let me fuck your mom
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
