I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
