...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
