you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
