Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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